The Wise Shepherd and the Foolish lamb

It is really amazing as I look back and recall how God has led me so far.

When I was in primary school, I dreamt of becoming a successful professional such as a lawyer or a doctor, but never a teacher. I regarded myself as a pretty smart girl because I was in the first class in school and I did better in my studies compared to my two elder siblings and other cousins. When I received my PSLE results, I was rather disappointed as I did not do as well as I expected. Nonetheless, it was enough to feel proud among my siblings and cousins.

When I was in secondary school, my dreams of becoming a doctor shattered and I secretly held on to the dream of becoming a lawyer, but never a teacher. Things started to change since secondary school days. I was proud in Sec 1, devastated in Sec 2, in denial in Sec 3, badly hurt in Sec 4 and very much disillusioned in JC days.

In my first year in GM Secondary School, I was still the proud little girl who thought very highly of herself just because she was in the first class and that she did better in her PSLE compared to many of her new classmates. But God always have a way to deal with arrogant people.

I did not do well and was streamed to the third class in Sec 2. Then I swore that I’d be promoted to the first class again by Sec 3. The reason was not just that I love science and would like to do biology, pure Chemistry and Physics but it was also because I despised arts. I always felt that it was meant for students who didn’t do well. Hence God had to teach me to appreciate arts the hard way. Despite the fact that I did well in all my subjects except Mathematics in Sec 2, I was streamed to an arts class in sec 3. It was the second last class of the level. I appealed to my teachers, to my principal, to my God in vain. I couldn’t do biology, pure chemistry and physics because they were offered with Additional Maths which I was deemed to be unable to cope with. In addition to disappointment, I felt that the whole streaming process was a very unfair one. As a result, I went to an arts class feeling injustice! I vowed that I’d do extremely well for my ‘O’ level to prove my teachers and principal wrong.

Guess what? I didn’t do well in my ‘O’ levels despite my hard work. From a proud little girl, I turned into an inferior creature in my JC days. I appealed into a junior college through band and felt inferior almost throughout my college days. I started to appreciate arts more due to fantastic teachers in the college but I never did well eventhough I was hardworking. I started dating a boy, Mr Chng, from the first class in college and felt even more inferior. At J2, a relief GP teacher called me at home and advised me to drop out of college to enrol in a Polytechnic because he felt that my English was so weak that I would fail my ‘A’ levels. Hence he thought that I could save one year if I drop out then. I was sure that it was out of good will that he advised me so. Unfortunately, that really made me even more inferior but it taught me to put mytrust in God rather than in man. I also thank God for Mr Chng, friends and my actual GP teacher. They gave me lots of encouragement and I persevered. Though I didn’t do well enough to get into Arts faculty in NUS, I passed my ‘A’ level examination! Well the story did not end here. Inferiority complex was not the end yet. IT just got worse!

Mr Chng did very well and won a scholarship to UK for his university education but I had to retake my ‘A’ levels as a private candidate. Hence I really felt so inferior that I wanted to end the relationship and be alone. But God was very kind to me. Mr Chng was very patient with me eventhough he is not the patient sort. Besides God, he was almost always there to deal with my inferiority complex in those days. Other than Mr Chng, God also sent J to walk this path of retaking ‘A’s with me. J has been a very close friend even up to now. Unfortunately, I always did not have the courage to share about Christ with her. Hopefully I will, one day, before it’s all too late.

Finally, I got into university and was dreaming one more time! When I was in NUS, I dreamt to be an economist or a successful banker but never a teacher. I thought that that was the only way to be more compatible with MR Chng and to move closer to his world. Yes, God came to stop me from dreaming again by getting my pastor to offer me a full time youth ministry post upon my graduation. I was very troubled and doubted that it was God’s will for me. Yet I didn’t want to be seen as outrightly disobedient by persuing a banking career. Hence I thought I could compromise by going into teaching!

Surprisingly, I had so much joy when I was teaching teenagers in school. I felt that for the first time, I could do something really well. It was meaningful and enjoyable. The job even helped me regain my self-esteem! Of course, I started dreaming again when my pride grows. I dreamt that I’d make a difference in the lives of my students. I dreamt that I’d make a difference in the education system. But there were always so much stress and disappointment at the end of the day. What’s worse was that God was neglected. Nonetheless I continued dreaming of accomplishing many things and thinking that teaching is what God wants me to do in my life. I thought teaching was my calling. That’s it. I never thought or imagine that I would or could stay at home to do the most unglamourous job on earth – look after kids, do housework and cook – until I gave birth to another life by God’s grace!

Now I am not the proud little girl anymore. Neither am I the inferior creature in college days. I am but an ordinary housewife who learns that she needs the grace of God everyday. Though pride is constantly an issue still and that He may lead me to pastures unknown, God has taught me a few important truths in life:
1) God never fail us.
2) Our self worth is not found in our academic excellence nor in our professional success nor in the praises or affirmation of man. Rather, it is found in our relationship with God.
3) God’s leading is always the best as He knows us best! So follow him!
4) God loves, thus he prunes and disciplines.

Now, I am married to Mr Chng. We have a precious little daughter name Elizabeth. And I am a stay at home mom. My job is just as meaningful and important because I know God sees it as important. Man looks at the appearance of a man but God looks at the heart. Peace with God and assurance from Him worth far more than millions of praises and affirmation of man.